Bound to this...

Typically, unless I'm exhausted, when I lay my head down at night all the days lingering thoughts wash over my face...sometimes it's more like a bucket of water to the face.

At any rate, I started thinking about carrying your own cross daily...and a yoke that is light...

Then I started thinking about a message I heard this weekend where it was extorted with no mixed words that sometimes the hard things, the horrible things aren't about you...that God's highest priority isn't whether we're happy or not...

Then I thought about how He loves the least of these...then I thought about how many least of these there are, doesn't He bring us all to the point of being one of the least of these...because it's a heart condition, isn't it?

Then I thought about this blog's URL... boundtothis

Why did I choose that, what did I mean...when I wrote it initially I meant to speak to how I wish I wasn't bound to this flesh, I wish I wasn't bound to this heart that is fickle and this mind that so often round abouts to selfish, self seeking ideas...

But maybe He has us bound to this on purpose, maybe our crosses and our yokes are in part made up of the least of these, maybe it's not oppressive and cruel like some argue, maybe He wants us to know His love, experience His love, be His love and we can't do that unbound...

And maybe instead of trying desperately to pull free from this binding at times to my own detriment and joint dislocation...I used it to my advantage, if I changed my thinking, if I learned to embrace it for this time...couldn't I see that when things are broken they must be bound?

If my leg were broken I think I'd definitely want it bound in a cast and not hanging there at the mercy of my remembrance not to bump it or move it the wrong way...

So maybe my healing comes during the binding.

Maybe I should learn to distinguish oppressive binding and binding that brings healing to a heart and being born broken and be careful not to confuse the two.

Maybe I'd learn to love that Love.

ha, and maybe this jumbled mess of thoughts makes no coherent sense to anyone besides me...but maybe it does.

Needs work

How do you react when you're given the complete opposite of what you expected?

I wish I could say that I am so on point that I am grateful and unquestioning every time. That I don't hold it up to God and say "what's this?" with a pained expression like it's something awful...that I never try to push it away like a 4 yr old pushes away the plate given them that has vegetables they don't like on it...that I don't dig my heels in, cross my arms across my chest, turn my nose up and refuse to accept this is what I've been given.

Within myself there are these warring factions...in this instance there is the ungrateful child and the mother who is horrified, heart broken, unceasingly asking for mercy for the child who cannot see.

Well, ma'am what were you thinking might help you feel better about this situation?

I work in customer relations right now and here are a few things we were taught...

People want what they believe they deserve and at first they may play this cat and mouse game, I don't know what I want but I need something...offer too low and they're insulted and too high...there is no such thing as too high, usually.

But the reality is there was in fact a pre-conceived notion, whether ludicrous or reasonable, of what they believed they deserved regardless of if they come out and say it or not. And if that is not met, they usually aren't satisfied.

I wish I could say I didn't pull this with God sometimes...but I have. Lord, whatever you want me to do I'll do. Oh, wait! No, this isn't right, I was thinking more along the lines of being a non-profit miracle worker who globe trotted and was married to a ridiculously amazing man who made all the money so I could work for pennies no problem...

Did I miss the little box where I get to fill in my preferences?

I don't know what it's like in other countries but in America particularly, we're very used to getting what we want. May I have the cheeseburger, only bison instead of beef because that's better for you, no mayo, lettuce but not iceberg I like endive, tomatoes, the little grape ones because they're sweeter and cuter and dijon not yellow mustard...oh! and no cheese...and a wheat bun...baked fresh this morning.

And it's ruined us...

With 'Have it your way' 'Build your own' 'Just the way you like it' marketing greeting us at every turn...

I wish I could say that I wasn't one of these people that I never found myself editing an already specific menu item to death or saying I don't want that, let me do it my way...

And sure we can argue the gravity of these things on a case by case but I can't help but think this idea slowly creeps in and begins to bleed over into other areas...to include our relationship with Christ.

A heart, this heart, must re-learn what it means to be genuinely grateful.