No more digging

Somehow, in the midst of day to day life I sometimes find myself behaving like the slave with one talent...

I panic and sputter...

"I was afraid..." "I knew you were a hard man..." "I hid my talent in the ground..."

And my heart breaks, my head falls into my hands...that's not my God. It's like accusing an innocent man...

I am grieved at my ability to fall into that lie without even realizing I was beginning to slip only to look up and realize I'm covered in it...

Naturally, I am not a risk taker. I don't know that many people truly are. I want to be brave. I want to be courageous. I do not want to fear or be afraid. It's easier to push away though, to point my finger and say I can't because you are, you do, you say...

Recently God has been drawing me out of this holding pattern...He's been making it so incredibly uncomfortable that some times, in all honesty, I lash out with 'what did I do?! I'm not doing anything to hurt anyone' attitude...

Right. Exactly. You've done nothing. Nothing.

But you are hurting someone...and I think about how if I was a parent and saw my child sitting on their own hands, unwilling to step out how heart broken I'd be. To know they stopped reaching or worse never started... What could I have done differently, how else could I show them that a life ruled by the fear of failing is not a life at all but rather a prison. And perhaps the worst would be seeing on my child's face the longing to reach out...even the slightest glint of a maybe squashed by fear. How completely heart wrenching...

So He finally shook my death grip loose from around his ankles...and I went for broke. And the answer after it was all laid out was 'No.'

I felt like if I wanted to I could justify curling back up into a ball and saying 'See, I told you!'

Surprisingly, I haven't. Maybe even more surprisingly, I don't want to.

I don't want to dig anymore.

I want to go all in...and all those other silly terms that mean the same thing...

13 “Therefore stay alert, because you do not know the day or the hour. 14 For it is like a man going on a journey, who summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them. 15 To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work and gained five more. 17 In the same way, the one who had two gained two more. 18 But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money in it. 19 After a long time, the master of those slaves came and settled his accounts with them. 20 The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, saying, ‘Sir, you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’ 21 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful in a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22 The one with the two talents also came and said, ‘Sir, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more.’ 23 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 Then the one who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Sir, I knew that you were a hard man, harvesting where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’ 26 But his master answered, ‘Evil and lazy slave! So you knew that I harvest where I didn’t sow and gather where I didn’t scatter? 27 Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received my money back with interest! 28 Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten. 29 For the one who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough. But the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30 And throw that worthless slave into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth’” (Matthew 25:13-30).

Bound to this...

Typically, unless I'm exhausted, when I lay my head down at night all the days lingering thoughts wash over my face...sometimes it's more like a bucket of water to the face.

At any rate, I started thinking about carrying your own cross daily...and a yoke that is light...

Then I started thinking about a message I heard this weekend where it was extorted with no mixed words that sometimes the hard things, the horrible things aren't about you...that God's highest priority isn't whether we're happy or not...

Then I thought about how He loves the least of these...then I thought about how many least of these there are, doesn't He bring us all to the point of being one of the least of these...because it's a heart condition, isn't it?

Then I thought about this blog's URL... boundtothis

Why did I choose that, what did I mean...when I wrote it initially I meant to speak to how I wish I wasn't bound to this flesh, I wish I wasn't bound to this heart that is fickle and this mind that so often round abouts to selfish, self seeking ideas...

But maybe He has us bound to this on purpose, maybe our crosses and our yokes are in part made up of the least of these, maybe it's not oppressive and cruel like some argue, maybe He wants us to know His love, experience His love, be His love and we can't do that unbound...

And maybe instead of trying desperately to pull free from this binding at times to my own detriment and joint dislocation...I used it to my advantage, if I changed my thinking, if I learned to embrace it for this time...couldn't I see that when things are broken they must be bound?

If my leg were broken I think I'd definitely want it bound in a cast and not hanging there at the mercy of my remembrance not to bump it or move it the wrong way...

So maybe my healing comes during the binding.

Maybe I should learn to distinguish oppressive binding and binding that brings healing to a heart and being born broken and be careful not to confuse the two.

Maybe I'd learn to love that Love.

ha, and maybe this jumbled mess of thoughts makes no coherent sense to anyone besides me...but maybe it does.

Needs work

How do you react when you're given the complete opposite of what you expected?

I wish I could say that I am so on point that I am grateful and unquestioning every time. That I don't hold it up to God and say "what's this?" with a pained expression like it's something awful...that I never try to push it away like a 4 yr old pushes away the plate given them that has vegetables they don't like on it...that I don't dig my heels in, cross my arms across my chest, turn my nose up and refuse to accept this is what I've been given.

Within myself there are these warring factions...in this instance there is the ungrateful child and the mother who is horrified, heart broken, unceasingly asking for mercy for the child who cannot see.

Well, ma'am what were you thinking might help you feel better about this situation?

I work in customer relations right now and here are a few things we were taught...

People want what they believe they deserve and at first they may play this cat and mouse game, I don't know what I want but I need something...offer too low and they're insulted and too high...there is no such thing as too high, usually.

But the reality is there was in fact a pre-conceived notion, whether ludicrous or reasonable, of what they believed they deserved regardless of if they come out and say it or not. And if that is not met, they usually aren't satisfied.

I wish I could say I didn't pull this with God sometimes...but I have. Lord, whatever you want me to do I'll do. Oh, wait! No, this isn't right, I was thinking more along the lines of being a non-profit miracle worker who globe trotted and was married to a ridiculously amazing man who made all the money so I could work for pennies no problem...

Did I miss the little box where I get to fill in my preferences?

I don't know what it's like in other countries but in America particularly, we're very used to getting what we want. May I have the cheeseburger, only bison instead of beef because that's better for you, no mayo, lettuce but not iceberg I like endive, tomatoes, the little grape ones because they're sweeter and cuter and dijon not yellow mustard...oh! and no cheese...and a wheat bun...baked fresh this morning.

And it's ruined us...

With 'Have it your way' 'Build your own' 'Just the way you like it' marketing greeting us at every turn...

I wish I could say that I wasn't one of these people that I never found myself editing an already specific menu item to death or saying I don't want that, let me do it my way...

And sure we can argue the gravity of these things on a case by case but I can't help but think this idea slowly creeps in and begins to bleed over into other areas...to include our relationship with Christ.

A heart, this heart, must re-learn what it means to be genuinely grateful.

Why and What

This idea has been my heart for a good bit of time now...

I realize there is potential in the title to incite a bit of concern so indulge me now and let me say I mean only to speak to the reality of this walk and not to the sincerity of my love for God. I hope that makes sense...

In my walk thus far I often look up and realize my flesh has not grown weary. Sometimes I just pause, stumped at the tenacity...with the same confused and exhausted look on my face I had when one of my sweet babies in South Africa would still be going strong after an hour of screaming...and I would think something along the lines of

'Why, WHY?! Just listen to me...hear what I'm saying, understand please for the love of pete!'

But you can't reason with a precious 2 year old...they don't understand. Thankfully their sweet little minds continue to develop and eventually they will understand but this flesh is a different beast. It does not grow, it does not develop in understanding or get to the point where it's willing to sit down and be diplomatic...it fights.

Paul says I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15

I am so thankful Paul wrote that so point blank because it let's me know it's not just me who can't seem to get it under control. And it let's me know...you won't get it under control. You learn how to fight it and not be fearful of it...but it doesn't cease to fight, wave it's white flag, surrender and go home...and if we ever think it has, expect an ambush.

This blog will really just be my musings to this end...