Supposed cool chick cracks

I fancy myself a reasonable and sensible individual.

I'd like to think I have realistic expectations and that I am secure enough that even when those fail to be met my demeanor and disposition remain unchanged. That I am calm, collected and easy.

You know, a cool chick. The one everyone wants to be friends with.

Not so.

Quick background. Until 5 months ago I'd been single since my last semester of college...circa the 2005-06 winter break. Roughly 7 years.

Seven years of tears, tearing down of old, building new, learning myself and how I was made really for the first time.  Early on in that season, I would've cringed at somebody suggesting the idea of my having being co-dependent, but I had been, completely, in the previous 5 years of consecutive relationship time just before this season.

It really was a season of labor pains, birthing and pressing, feeling squished and squeezed, some depression and also some of my greatest joys.

At any rate, fast forward to now, met the most amazing man.

Felt like, "Ahhhh" (queue sun shining, birds chirping etc) I have arrived! I have now been given this man and this relationship that I am in little kid wonder of. Heart so full I might pop kind of love. The sweetest gift. All my issues must have been resolved in those seven years!!

Not so.

Ya'll, I want so desperately to be the cool chick. But I find myself falling apart over not getting enough phone time (we're long distance, so we're making hauls between Houston and Austin most weekends to see each other) I mean I am horrible on the phone, ask everyone closest to me, so it's not even fair to hold anyone else to an expectation in regards to phone conversation, I didn't even realize I was doing it,  but. I. was!

Today, I all but broke down into tears because after 30 minutes of talking on his drive home he needed to get off the phone...you know, because he has FOOD POISONING and I, I needed more attention...

Horrifically embarrassing on my end. Who does that to someone with food poisoning?!
Such a mess. I just, I cracked. Blinded by my own insecurities.

"Gimme, gimme. I need, I need." - Bob (What About Bob?)

And I am reminded, with cold water to the face shock, that I am so far from being the cool chick.

So far was the fall.

So many insecurities yet to over come.

I don't even know if you ever do really over come them while you're here on this earth. I've come to think perhaps God just gives you greater and greater grace as you seek to manage them in this broken place until we make it back to a place where there are no cracks, chips, dings, dents...where things aren't broken. Thankful He is the most skilled mender.